So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
