If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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