I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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