I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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