You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
