My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
