idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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