We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
