I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
