Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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