my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
