Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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