i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
