i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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