I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
