i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize