I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
