i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
