So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
