That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
