i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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