so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
