ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
