No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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