i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
