I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
