based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
