my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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