I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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