Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize