im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
