Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
