how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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