Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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