Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize