capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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