my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
