Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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