I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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