Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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