do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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