i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i will never coherently bang her
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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