I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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