I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
