You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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