Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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