My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
