the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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