Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Come share oat with me in your robe
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
