there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
