I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
