just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize