She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
