The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize