Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
