my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize