hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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