i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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