My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
