if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
