Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize