Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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