i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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